I'm such a failure

So I went off track AGAIN!!! And went back up to 61kg - that must be my current set point. But after a 2 day diet I'm down below 60kg again, but I'm so disappointed in myself because if I had just stuck at it or even just not spend weeks continuously bingeing I would be at least below 55kg probably below 50kg!!  I am just so silly. I'm back to dieting - only 200 calories a day. That means about a under a kg lost per week =( not good but still its something, but I will still be a very fat 55kg by my 18th if i stick to that. where as if i had stuck at my diet from september I would be in the phase of eat whatever i want by now and being as skinny as i want without gaining because i would have reset my set point.  Also not having my gym membership anymore means a lot slower weight loss. According to my records I got down to 123 a wile back!! I'm so stupid. I hate myself!!!

Binge

I was doing so well then I just started feeling so weak that I thought I have to have something so I had some milk in my tea, then I was tempted by the soup and thought well I can have half a portion and water it down. It would be a total of under 100cals all together. BUT then I felt very full after just  a few sips but I felt it waste full not to have it all so I had all my portion (very small) but felt stuffed. so I thought I'm going to have to throw up to get rid of this. I then decided I might as well binge and then throw up so I did but of course I won't have thrown up everything so now I'm sure I've had over 1000 Calories today. That stops any weight loss today! =(   BUT  I shall now fast for as long as possible!!

xX Ana-Mia Xx

I'm Back

So I went really off the rails and continuously ate chocolate. gained a tone of weight and ended up at over 61Kg.. so on tuesday I stopped eating, by the end of the day I was still 61.2Kg which s about 135lbs. this morning I got on the scales hoping they had changed over night. They had, in the wrong direction, but I persevered. Now I just weighed myself in at 123lbs!! I was like what this can't be right thats about 57kg. so I switched to kgs and low and behold it did say 57Kg! =D
so I now must change my lost of 0.2kg per day goal calender to fit my new weight.

My Mesurements

Neck: 12.5 in - 31cm
Arms: 12in -30cm
Chest: 37.5in - 95cm
Ribs: 31in - 78cm
Small Waist: 28.5in -72cm
Navel Waist: 31in - 78cm
Fat Tummy: 34in - 86cm
Hips: 35.5in - 90cm
Thighs: 21.3in -  54cm
Calves: 13.5in - 34cm

Rewarding Myself

Current weight: 57Kg - 125lbs - 8st13 - BMI 22.8

Goal weight: 40Kg -88lbs - 6st4 - BMI 16

Goal 1: 52Kg - 115lbs - 8st3 -BMI 20.8     week 3-4       Bleach Hair 

Goal 2: under 50Kg -110lbs - 7st12 - BMI 20     week 5       Dye over Bleach       Less than FRHQ!!

Goal 3: 46Kg - 101lbs - 7st3 - BMI 18.4     week 8       Dye eyebrows/eyelashes

Goal 4: 43Kg - 95lbs - 6st11 - BMI 17.2     week 10       BellyButton Pearcing

Final Goal: 40Kg - 88lbs - 6st4 - BMI 16     week 12-13       Look Perfect!!!

I'm Back and Still 57Kg =(

I have not been at home for more than about 10 nights all together since my last post. I have mostly been at my (now ex) boyfriends house, we are still on very good terms, we are very good friends. I stayed at his again the night before last as friends because I needed somewhere to stay. anyway while I was at his he has been feeding me loads!! I cannot believe I didn't gain 10Kg! when I got back I was surprised to see my weight was still the same so despite the massive disappointment that I still weight 57Kg I am actually happy because I didn't gain anything.
I have decided to go on a diet of 2000 calories a week:
Sunday - Nothing
Monday - Nothing
Tuesday - 700
Wednesday - Nothing
Thursday - Nothing
Friday - 1000
Saturday - 300
Considering my goal weight calorie intake is 1300 cals per day, I should lose about 0.8 Kg per week taking into account my slowed metabolism.
So I should reach my goal of 40Kg in about 22 weeks which will be February the 12th.
I should be 41Kg by my 18th =D and I should be 52Kg by the time it is as become habit - Halloween time. =)
Time to set my plan into motion!

xX Ana-Mia Xx

57Kg and an obsession with numbers

I have reached goal one! BUT I stupidly thought I was not going to make it for ages so haven't brought my prize - eyelash dye, and have no money to go and get it.. sooo I've decided I'll give myself the next prize now. I will dye my hair and then dye my eyelashes when I reach my next goal. a new mini goal also means a new BMR - my body would use 1379.8 calories at my next goal so I will now be using 1380 (rounded up, it worries me when I round up) as my calories to NEVER go over in a day, and my aim is in any 3 days for that to be the maximum my calories add up to. My new daily calorie aim is: day A - <200 calories; day B - <400 calories; day C <500 calories. and I shall repeat this in a cycle. I estimate to reach my next goal in about 3 & a half weeks. and then the final goal 4 weeks after that. then  I will head for my next goal - 104lbs, which i should reach my next goal in another 4 weeks - in the first week of October. After that I will head for my final final goal - 97lbs, I estimate to reach it in 4.5 weeks. so I should reach it just after halloween. I do not intend to go further but if I do I should reach 90lbs a couple of weeks before christmas, and then 83lbs a bit before my birthday, and hopefully 80lbs by my 18th. I will not try to go lighter than that. but I will from whenever I go off my diet onwards eat 1200 calories a day. which is the maintenance calories for me at 77lbs so i might drop slowly the last couple of lbs. and I will never eat more than 1300 calories a day - 1300 cal per day will keep me just and only just below 100lbs. looking at this you must be thinking wow she has a lot of calculations but thats just the way my brain works, i calculate everything. I think it's because I am good at maths. It also makes it easier - I know exactly where I'm heading if I do whatever. For instance I know I only had to eat on average just under 1500 calories a day to reach the weight I was at before!! my highest weight ever. that isn't much at all and isn't much more than what I need to maintain my calories at si I know I need to be very careful! and if I ate the "recommended" daily amount of calories for a woman - 2000 - I would weight OVER 260lbs!!!! so I have to be very careful. I'm also thinking about the amounts of fats, protein, carbs, etc I will need to eat. at the moment I'm eating just over  20g of protein a day and eating about 250 calories. so to reach my calorie goal I would need to eat about 5 times as much. so my protein would be 100g or so - I only need 40. I am on a vegan diet so this proves the myth that being vegan means you can't get enough protein. Also I have not been at all hungry so a vegan diet is so helpful with losing weight! If I doubled my intake I would feel stuffed constantly, be eating more protein than I need, and still eating under half the amount of fats and calories I need! that = perfect weight loss with the ability to tone up easily too! I ♥ vegan! and am much less in love with ana & mia now - haven't had ana since deciding to be vegan - vegan has just as fast effects, well I suppose technically a diet this low in calories is ana.. and mia, well havn't had her in ages, well except last night but I binged on vegan cake that I made, I felt like i was gunna be sick anyways so just speeded up the process.
xX Ana-Mia Xx

Still not losing weight!

Today I ate:
porridge made with just oats, water and cocoa powder, estimated calories: 150
some salad with cucumber, iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes & sweet chili sauce, estimated calories: 100-120
rice, soy mince, Bolognese sauce, iceberg lettuce & cherry tomatoes, estimated calories: 135
dark chocolate, 2.5 pieces, calories: 165
diet lemonade, estimated calories: 5
total calorie intake: 570 calories
my BMR at next  goal weight: -1410
todays deficit:  -840 calories
target calories for tomorrow: 200-300
meal plan for tomorrow:
   Breakfast: 5g porridge oats, 5g cocoa powder, 100ml water = 36 calories
   lunch: todays leftovers from supper = 140 calories
   supper: 100g iceberg lettuce, 200g cucumber, 2 cherry tomatoes  = 41 calories
   snack: 1 peach = 38 calories
          total calories: 255  =) calorie deficit: -1155

Gained Weight! =(

I am now about 132lbs (60Kg). not good! BUT I am now more determined! and I am going to give myself a reward scheme:
Reach 125lbs (57Kg) - Dye eyelashes black - no need for mascara :D
Reach 118lbs (53.5Kg) - Dye hair  with temporary Blonde - no more mistake ginger! =D
Reach 111lbs (50Kg) - Get Belly Button Piercing! - looks cute
Reach 104lbs (47Kg) - Look Amazing! Get new clothes
Maintain!
so hopefully this will keep me going :) I MUST reach my goal I WILL reach my goal!!!

xX Ana-Mia Xx

Failing Again

I'm still 58.4Kg. not much else to say other than I am now on the first day of a 10 day fast and hope to get my weight back on track! oh and I did eat and drink a bit much :/

Losing More

I just weighed myself at 128lbs or 58.2Kg. I am pleased at this - it is my first stone gone =) and in less than a month I keep losing weight at this speed by the end of this month I will be 112lbs (8stone) which is just ONE POUND off what I used to be!!! and then I will have 10 days to lose more weight and tone up a bit before camp. I am very happy and this is making me really want to continue on a stick to my plan even more.
at 8 stone (the end of the month) I should look like this girl:

This is definitely my favorite thinsperation because she looks just like I used to! ♥ but I intend to go thinner than this. about a stone lower!  then I will look perfect! =D so I think I have 2 months to go until perfection!! =D
xX Ana-Mia Xx 

Random Questions

Me
Age: 17
Height: 5’2/5'3
Weight: 129lbs
Dress Size: ??
Goal Weight: 98lbs
Favorite Diet Food: cucumber or lettuce
Favorite Binge Food: chocolate :/
Favorite Exercise: rowing or biking
Where Do You Slip Up: “just one... I crave it so much... oh dear i binged again”

When Did It Start?
Hating your body: about age 4 or 5? then really badly by age 9.
Restricting/counting: age 9
Does Anyone Know:  kinda
Do You Want Help: NO!!!!!
How Many Calories Do You Consume a Day: ranging from 0-500 except when I binge :/
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: a fat, bloated, pig with no control.
Are You In A Relationship: yes =)
Are You Depressed:  I think so
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes twice. I even fail at that.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: yeah... ugghh

I AM 
[x] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something - water!!!
[ ] under 100lbs
[x]starving yourself
[x] participating in a fast

PEOPLE  
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat 
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH 
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself 
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE 
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE 
[x] I am shorter than 5’4
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[/] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[ ] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[ ] I’ve sworn at my parents
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together. <--- my mum died about a year ago  but they are in spirit
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I’m single.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY 
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

BAD TIMES 
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying.
[x] I’ve lost weight.
[x] I’ve gained weight.
[x] My weight holds me back.
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest.
[ ] I’m at my biggest.
[ ] I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back.
[x] My weight affects my mood.
[x] I weigh myself daily.
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me.
[ ] I thrive on compliments.
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size.
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry.
[x] I get depressed after I eat.
[x] I’ve skipped a meal.
[x] I’ve thrown food away.
[x] I’ve spit food out.
[x] I’ve fasted.
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills.
[] I’ve used laxatives.
[x] I’ve purged.

EXERCISE
[x] I exercise.
[ ] I exercise so I can eat.
[x] I work out secretly.
[x] I work out daily.
[x] I exercise to counteract eating.
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion.

I’VE DONE
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret.
[x] I have a diet blog.
[x] I look at thinspo.
[x] I collect thinspo.
[x] I’m doing this for me.
[ ] I’m doing this for someone.
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

Another fail!

stepped on the scales this morning - 59.0 and was so happy! but had this thing at college where the prospective students go round having lessons. then at lunch there was so much food and so many people making me eat! =( and then at christian youth group. I purged when I got home but I now weigh 59.3 =',(
xX Ana-Mia Xx

Thinspo!!!

Here is some inspiration to help me stay on track! please note I have got there all off other people blogs with thinspo, they are not mine!

Will I Ever Be skinny??!

I'm starting to think that I am just destined to be ugly & fat!!  I binged again today! kinda not my fault - my dad made me eat supper and then brought out so many chocolaty things!! so I threw back up most that I could. but I hear 1/3 always stays no matter how much you try so i must have had about 2000+ calories today now :( I had been feeling very shit from not eating, now I feel fine but shit in mind cuz I am just so fat - I still weigh 59.5Kg.
I just must weigh 50Kg or less! MUST!!! I found a pic of a skinny girl who looks just about how i used to when I was 50Kg . Here it is, she has a lil tummy at the very bottom of her hips and okay sized boobs,and I also had sticking out ribs.

So this is my aim - or skinnier. I might soon post pictures of my progress, so you can see, but I will have to make sure no one can see its me. I really hope another 10Kg will get me back to this! I sooo desperately wanna be thin!!!
xX Ana-Mia Xx

Back On Track

Yesterday I only ate 1 fig role and a small but of a flapjack which my friend gave me. I spent most the day with him, and he also brought me my maths book that I needed. :O =D I was not liking college because no one was inviting me to things outside college and I didn't feel anyone liked me so that cheered me up a lot. Today is the first official day of summer holidays! I haven't eaten anything yet and don't intend to today. I just weighed myself - 59.5Kg. Yesterday I wasn't happy because I weighed 60.8Kg still, I was starting think I was never going to make it below 60Kg but now I am and I really hope I can keep losing weight at this speed or faster. If I do I will reach my goal of weighing less at camp this year than I did 2 years ago. I'm also worried that I will look fatter anyway as so far I haven't noticed much of a difference size wise. and since about 2 months ago when I started weighing myself again - I weighed 144lbs (65Kg) so thats -5Kg and I don't see a difference! and I haven't managed to squeeze back down a size yet! I want my UK size 8's to be very baggy again and my UK size 6's to also be loose again like they were. I am going to have to get changed (well keeping underwear on) in front of whoever my roommates are for the week, I don't want them to see how fat I am. We also exchanged clothes last year and I don't want to be the big one who doesn't fit anyone else's clothes.
xX Ana-Mia Xx

My Loving, but Interfering Boyfriend! ♥

Today my boyfriend forced me to eat... as usual! He has made me promise to at least eat something everyday, and since he is my boyfriend he likes me as the fat blob (well he says I'm skinny) I am, I shall do so. I have decided on eating 100 cals a day - but doing as much exercise as possible. his should still get me down to about 115lbs  (just 5lbs over my goal) by Christian camp. I think that is okay =] I will just have to lose the other 5 lbs wile there. and then be at 105lbs by september, and 95lbs (45kg) by the end of october. =D I think I will stop there and just go onto a 1000 calorie diet for the rest of my life, which should keep me at my desired weight. I think I will make my daily diet out of fruit - 1 piece of fruit a day until november 1st, then a high protein diet and I shall work out a lot to tone so by my 18th I will have my perfect body! I will be ready to party!!! =D

oh I weighed in today at 60.8 =/ I blame my boyfriend for making me eat. Oh well its only because he cares.

xX Ana-Mia Xx

Becoming Vegan & on a Low-Carb Diet

I have decided I want to become vegan! I want to because since I realised I gained weight I have been trying to cut out meat and full fat dairy products, but often I have no excuse to turn them down. (I also want to cut out carbs) Once everyone knows/thinks I'm vegan I will be able to eat a diet of fruit & veg and have no one question me, in fact a lot of people will help me stay vegan. I have decided all I have to do is seem very worried about the more environmental things and the treatment of animals. Which for my family the animal treatment may be harder to convince them of as for quite a long time in Ireland I lived on surrounded by farms, and saw how some of the animals lived a luxury life until death. BUT I hope that I can convince them I am very worried about the animals that are not as lucky as those Irish ones, the ones on battery farms etc. Which is what we tend to eat a lot of here. and the way some cows  constantly have blisters on their udders and cuts fro the machinery used to milk them, and how they are milked much more then they should be. If anyone can help me sound more convincing please comment! Especially if you are vegan yourself.
I also want to eat low-carbs. this is because the I know that glucose used to fuil the body comes from carbs, and if their are no carbs the body used fat instead, fueling itself off ketones. On my vegan diet I will be not eating many fats so if I eat no carbs my body will have to use the fat I desperately want to get rid of as fuel! Which is perfect, and I will still be getting all the vitamins I need from my veg & fruit.
xX Ana-Mia Xx

2 Stone - 45 Days

I have decided on a new earlier goal, the first big step. I want to be below the weight I was 2 years ago on Camp, this year when I go to Camp. I think I was 7stone 13 (111lbs or 50Kg) back then, and now I weigh 9st9 (135lb or 61Kg) that is just under 2stone to lose. Christian camp is 45 days away so my aim is to lose 2lbs every 3 days. so according to this http://calendarscripts.info/weight-loss-calculator.html I can eat about 150 cals a day and achieve that. but I am worried about my body going into starvation mode which basically means my metabolism slows down and I will have to eat nothing, luckily this can be counteracted by changing my daily calorie intake. I have decided to exercise at least an extra 150 calories a day than my normal routine, by going to the gym or going for cycles. I will vary my calorie intake over the 3 days - this is meant to keep the metabolism guessing so it cant work out if I'm starving or not. I suppose its a bit like the ABC and 2-4-6-8 pro-ana diets. I will be having: Day 1 - 0 Calories; Day 2 -  100 Calories; Day 3 - 800 calories. This with the exercise averages out at an intake of 150 calories a day. I will then be monitoring my weight every day but very closely every 3 days to check I'm still losing the 2lbs (0.9kg) I need to be losing. If I can stick to this I will probably update you every 3 days but to start with still very often as I get into the diet.
xX Ana-Mia Xx

Failed Start: Time For a New Idea.

I started the day by eating a cheese and broccoli quiche, which I then purged. I then ate a role with marmite and butter, and then later ate some chicken rice & salad. I did basically no exercise.
I have decided to try self hypnosis, I will put myself into a calm state then tell myself things I think; well I  don't but want to think. I will post later what I do and what things I tell myself.
xX Ana-Mia Xx

The Start

I don't feel very good this morning. Since around 5pm on friday I have been eating way too much and have drunk a lot of cider and beer. You see I had been on a diet for about 5 days prior, it was an eat nothing, exercise at least 150 calories off, but on friday I was with friends and they got me to eat probably about 2500 cals of chocolate and stuff. =( Then yesterday a friend came round, and my sister was being nice so we had Krispy Kream donuts, and then bread and cream cheese. I then went to a party where I got completely drunk and probably ate the chocolate too, so in all that day probably about 3500 calories if not more. and 3500 cals is 1 lb! =(

I am now going to get back on track on my diet - I had gone from 64kg down to 61kg in the first 4 days of my diet. I just weighed myself and I am back up to 61.5kg! When really if my weight loss had stayed constant I should have lost a couple of Kg and would now be happily below 60kg today. Anyway enough of the negatives I am now going to stay on track for the rest of the summer. I shall stick to my diet and blogging will hopefully keep me on track as I wont want to post that I failed again. I hope to keep you updated very regularly. =]

xX Ana-Mia Xx

Introducing me

hello everyone, this is my first time writing a blog. I am writing this because it will hopefully help keep me on track with my weight loss.
I am about 5'2" or 5'3" maybe 5'4", which is short in my opinion. I aim to weigh about 45kg by the end of the summer. My goal weight of 45kg comes from before when I weighed 50kg and everyone thought I was very very slim. Although I thought I had two problem spots - the very top of the inside of my thighs and the tiny spot on the bottom of my tummy. I know that going to the gym and toning them at that weight would fix it once at 50kg. I want to go 5kg lower than that at least, before adding more protein to my diet and toning the muscles to pull it all in; it will alow for the small weight gain when I start to eat more.
I am pro ana because I went from chubby child to skinny kid very quickly a few years ago by not eating, it worked so well. It is also because I have no patience, and starving is the fastest way to lose weight.
My diet will be: exercise off at least 150 calories extra at the gym every day, and then eat nothing. If I eat it will be a vegetable followed by more exercise to get rid of those calories. Whenever I have extra energy I will do more exercise until the energy is gone.
I have calculated that this will have me at my weight loss goal on time. Please follow me on my journey and support me. =)
xX Ana-Mia Xx